Being Someone

Actually, this desire to 'be someone' (referred to in my previous entry) is, I think, the common modern manifestation of the good old search for 'meaning' in one's life. Modern corporations try to elicit passionate commitment to their brand values in their employees by providing a community to which their staff can belong, with accessible bosses, help and training programmes, prizes and so on... and of course, low wages, since once commitment is there, money becomes just that little bit less important to the staff (but not to the company's shareholders or upper management). See this article about overwork, or Willing Slaves by Madeleine Bunting, a book about how people are encouraged to devote their lives to the company.

Me, I have experienced this kind of commitment to work in the past: I brainwashed myself into working hard for L'Arome, a multi-level perfume sales organization that was around a few years ago (now defunct) and worked really hard, moving up a couple of levels in the pyramid and more-or-less breaking even overall. Then, I went in to a computer venture with a couple of friends and worked hard for that too; we did all right for a while but the market became rather too difficult for us and we decided to quit before it got too late.

Right now, however, I am... minicabbing. Driving an MPV (Multi-Purpose Vehicle, or 'People Carrier'). Commitment? I don't think so. Where will I get any sense of belonging when I'm stuck in a car all day? The hours are long and the money isn't so great either: if I can bank a couple of hundred pounds after 50-60 hours' work, I'm doing OK, it seems. And for me, money has always been the key to my commitment: I worked hard in the past in the expectation of future financial rewards. I'm still waiting! :-)

The minicabbing feels to me like a sort of maintenance work: it will keep my finances ticking over while I think of something better, or until I can pay off my debts and then invest (there's little point in investing while debts need to be paid). The cab money won't pay the debts; that's why I'm selling my house; but it will cover day-to-day expenses. And, I guess, that is the position that most people are in who are doing basic jobs for what is really not much money. They and I need to budget carefully, so that income always exceeds expenditure, no matter how low the income actually is.

And wouldn't it be good one day if, finally, I could think of some job that I would actually like to do, and that would gain my commitment naturally and effortlessly, and which would in fact pay well?

It seems to me, thinking about this self-discipline thing some more, that although I am inclined to aspire to a life of leisure, in fact, such a life would not be good for me. What would be good for me would probably be a life of some leisure, with other time devoted to some big projects of some sort.

Otherwise, where would self-esteem come from, if all I'm doing with my life is loafing about? I may aspire to leisure, but I would also like to do something: to be someone as it is commonly known. This is the desire for fame that many people seem to have: the desire not to be an unknown nobody, but to be someone who makes a difference.

So effort is built-in to the human psyche.

Darn.

Socrates (or Xenophon, anyway) also talks about the property business in Xenophon's Estate Manager section 20 (that is, section XX). His character, Isomachus, describes to Socrates how it is advantageous to buy up undeveloped or unworked land, develop it, then sell it at a profit. That was written around 380BC. Property has obviously been good business for a long time!

Of course, it also requires luck, good market conditions, and, above all, application (i.e., effort or self-discipline: a common Socratic theme).

I think one problem I have is that I keep looking for work I can do that will allow me to remain lazy. Hmm... Might have to abandon that particular project. Until I'm rich.

I've been reading The Conversations of Socrates by Xenophon. In the Memoirs, Book 2 Chapter 1, he relates a story by Prodicus about how Heracles was deciding how to live his life: good or evil, basically, and Heracles met two women, Vice and Virtue. Vice described to him a life of ease and idleness, and Virtue a life of sweat and effort, but rewarded with great esteem and glory in the long run. You can read it here. The story starts about halfway through but the whole section is pertinent. This is similar to the Christian notion that the devil's path is wide and easy, but the road to heaven is steep and narrow (Matthew 7:13-14), or as I like to think of it, the devil's path is "Buy now, pay later," whilst God's path, i.e., the good path, is "Pay now, receive later" meaning make your effort or investment early to get the best results later. I mention all this because it is pertinent to the way I have lived my life so far. For various reasons I have been putting in not quite enough effort in most things for most of my life, and have as a result been gradually sliding down that slippery slope to eventual ruin; or so it seems to me. I haven't actually got there yet, as my eyes have been open to it for a long, long, long time, but on the other hand I haven't actually succeeded in solving the problem of how to act differently either.

Until recently.

I think! The key seems to me to be in my Diet & Fitness Page. For nearly two years now I have been gradually increasing my self-discipline and losing weight and exercising regularly. I have found myself a viable job with a minicab company that actually has enough work (at least in the Summer peak season - the rest of the time remains to be seen) and am further exercising my self-discipline by getting up at 3am to start by 4 each day, 5 days a week or more and indeed by going to bed by 7pm to maintain my fitness and alertness, and working around 12 hours each day (including meal breaks). My property is being sold and that should pay off the (stupendous) debts and leave me with some funds to invest (if it actually sells at some point... what an agonizingly slow process it is!). All this is raising my self-esteem, confidence, ability and indeed energy levels all round.

And all because I'm a type 2 diabetic and felt the need to do something about it: the slippery slope suddenly began to look rather too steep for comfort. Let that disease go too far and the physical consequences are truly terrible. So: a blessing in disguise? I guess so.